Super Mario Bros. Wonder is out today, the first new 2-D platformer in Nintendo’s flagship Super Mario series since 2012’s New Super Mario Bros. U. In addition to new power-ups and a trippy new mechanic, the game boasts the largest roster of playable characters in Super Mario history. (Never mind that four of the ten characters are just different-colored Yoshis …) But that distinction got us thinking: If we had our way, which Mario character would we choose to play as, if given the opportunity? Everyone’s got a main — that character they’ll pick every time it’s available — and, if internet quizzes are to be believed, your main says a lot about who you are as a person. Or maybe you just really like the color pink. Either way, we gathered Vulture’s gamers to fight over the best playable Mario character. Let’s-a go!
Luigi
Luigi is the most important character in the Mario franchise, full stop. Without Luigi, these games would likely have no multiplayer, no differentiation of the playable characters’ fits or abilities, no notion of brotherhood whatsoever, and, ultimately, no future. Luigi’s personality is often defined by fear and timidity, his life a string of endless comparisons to his bolder, shorter, blander, and (let’s be honest) way less attractive older brother whose name became a brand. But that’s also what makes Luigi infinitely more relatable than Mario. He is the consummate clutch player, the teammate who will shock you by how often he saves your red-overalled ass when the chips are down. His spinoff games are mostly mansion-bound horror narratives in which he must overcome his fears to best the demons within — a polygonal green knight after my own heart. —Eric Vilas-Boas
Yoshi
In a word, Yoshi is silly. He’s a dinosaur who wears boots, one of his best moves is sticking out his tongue, and he makes some of the most cartoonish sounds of any Mario characters. He may not be a ferocious, terrifying dinosaur, but he’s always ready to roll someone right over in an egg. (Because, what the heck, he can go inside of the eggs he lays?!) As a self-identified silly person too, I’m picking Yoshi any day — light blue if possible. —Justin Curto
Pink Gold Peach
Much like computer code, the Mario franchise is written in binaries. The characters exist as a series of shadows and reflections, built out of pairs of opposites. There’s hero versus villain (Mario and Bowser) and brother versus brother (Mario and Luigi) and man versus woman (Mario and Peach) and then man versus animal (Mario and Yoshi) et cetera. Building in this way, the playable Mario characters exist as an increasingly long series of modifiers — Waluigi is evil and also brother; Daisy is woman and also (spiritually though not actually) sister; Toadette is friend, but female; Birdo is camp. At the lunatic fringe of the playable Mario character realm lies my personal favorite: Pink Gold Peach. She’s a variation of Metal Mario, himself originally just a version of Mario who’d nabbed a power-up, that exists to fill a logical void (man becomes machine … but a woman?) and because Mario Kart 8 wanted another heavyweight driver. Her coloring is clearly inspired by feminized versions of tech products, but she has no discernible personality of her own, other than a certain drag-esque haughty (or maybe C-word-y?) glamour in the way she flicks her wrist open in her sports car. Stare deep into her blank eyes and see the abyss of corporate feminism, the thinness of gender performance, the absurdity of the very binaries that generated her existence; she’s a mad concoction that would equally delight Baudrillard and Judith Butler. Heavyweight characters are also just plain good in Mario Kart and I always win whenever I race with her, so there’s that too. —Jackson McHenry
Daisy
Princess Daisy is not like other girls. Well, other girl. Honestly, I’m not sure if she and Peach are besties, sisters-in-law, or just two female politicians forced to be in proximity with one another, but since her addition to the crew in 1989, Daisy has been the tomboy-ish, brunette foil the game literally needed if it was going to get girls to play together. Princess Daisy does it for those of us who shopped in the blue-and-green section of Limited Too. That’s the kind of representation we need in Super Mario leadership. A woman of the Koopas. —Zoë Haylock
Monty Mole
We need more Monty Mole stans in this Super Mario world. Not only is Monty Mole a fun name to say and a cute character to look at, but his dice in Super Mario Party isn’t too different from the standard one. Replacing the 1 with a 1+ coin, Monty Mole gives the player the opportunity to play it safe if they don’t want to risk moving forward into an unlucky space, especially in a game where coins matter in the end totals. It’s also hilarious when he’s patting his li’l tummy. Can Luigi do that?! Monty is playable in only five Mario games (BOOO HISSS) but has been a staple in the world since 1990, when he popped up as an enemy in Super Mario World. Should Monty Mole get his own spinoff? I say yes absolutely, but for now, he will continue to tap-tap-tap his tummy away as my favorite character in Mario Party. —Alejandra Gularte
Toad
I have written previously about the important identity politics of Toad, who is Asian, which is the primary reason I will always main him. But here I would like to focus on his smallness. Next to the Goomba, Toad is often represented as the smallest character in the Mario universe. His head comes up to Mario’s chest. His compact stoutness deeply informs his cuteness. Thus, he further speaks to me with his spatial relation to the world. I am what many cultures would describe as “average height” (5’11”), but I’ve always possessed a smaller person’s mindset. I like the safety of small spaces. I am wary of tall people. I have a Napoleonic complex. What resonates about Toad is his promise of expediency. With my lightness, I will turn a tighter corner. With my smallness, I will slip through the crack between Bowser and Luigi. With Toad, I am the wind. —Nicholas Quah
King Boo
The legend, the icon, the baddest (and most devious) boss in the land — you play as King Boo when you want to be a total menace (especially to Luigi) on the Mario Kart streets and wherever else this universe takes you … and you should always want to be a menace. And when King Boo and Petey Piranha link up? Move out the way. I like to think that even Bowser bows down to him when King Boo’s in big red diamond-crown mode. Also it’s spooky season so please show this literal ghost royalty some extra respect. Tongues out! Heads spinning! —Dee Lockett
Bowser Jr.
I mean, look at him! The high ponytail, the bandana, the Saturday-morning-cartoon voice — how can you not fall in love with this little scamp? With the promise of inheriting his father’s empire hanging over his head, Bowser Jr. is the Kendall Roy of the Mushroom Kingdom. You can absolutely picture this kid throwing himself a treehouse birthday party (though it’s unclear whether Koopas reproduce sexually, so maybe no birth-canal entrance). Unlike the internet’s favorite sadboy, however, Bowser Jr. doesn’t drown himself in the pressure. He’s got hobbies, always popping up to swing a tennis racket or golf club, race around in his Clown Car, or just simply party. The fact that it’s all in service of making his father proud? Bowser Jr. is the Mario franchise’s very own babygirl. —Emily Palmer Heller
Toadette
Very few Mario characters seem like they’re having fun. Mario is too boring to be truly excited. Luigi’s got his inferiority thing going on. Bowser too evil. Peach is too regal. (Daisy, admittedly, can party. She’s the Mario character I think could drink me under the table.) Waluigi gets cackling enjoyment from his misdeeds, but he’s also a huge pervert, which makes his fun uncomfortable unless you’ve got a severe case of irony poisoning. Toad feels constrained by his sense of duty. Toadette, meanwhile, is just out there having a good time! Toadette is the “cool girl” of Kart characters. No pressure, only fun vibes. Do I deserve platitudes for subverting gender norms by picking a lightweight pink character rather than, like, Metal Mario? I’m not not saying that. —James Grebey
Tanooki Mario
He says “TANOOKI!” —Kathryn VanArendonk
