It’s-a me, Mario! I was-a working as a plumber in New York when I fell-a down a pipe and landed in the Mushroom Kingdom. Pretty soon, I was-a having all kinds of super-fun adventures, crushing Koopas, dodging hammers, and jumping through castle after castle. It’s-a like my whole life was a game. I’d-a wake up each morning shouting, “Wahoo! Yiiiiippeee! Here we go!”
That feels like a really long time ago. I was-a born in 1981, which means, if you do-a the math, I’m-a forty years old.
I wasn’t-a really thinking about it much until last summer. Just another birthday, right? Then it’s-a like the reality of the thing just hit me. Like, “Mamma mia, I’m-a going to be middle-aged.” It’s-a like one of those fireballs that moves-a so slowly you forget it’s even coming, until it’s-a right in your face.
The thing that’s so hard about turning forty is it forces you to take-a stock of how you’re doing. And, to be honest, I’m-a not doing so great. These days, my life, it’s-a fucked up. Like, there’s just a lot of super-heavy shit that I’m-a dealing with right now. I guess the best way to explain it is-a to start from the beginning of last week, which is when shit really started to get-a, like, super fucked up.
Here we go . . .
So basically one day I wake up, and it’s-a like I can’t-a move my back. Like, at all. So I go to Dr. Mario (no relation), and he’s-a, like, “Mario, when’s-a the last time that you had a physical?” And I’m-a, like, “Can’t you just look at my back like-a normal?” And he’s-a, like, “No, because I’m-a starting to think there might-a be underlying problems.” So I’m-a in this tiny room for hours, doing all kinds of tests that I’ve-a never done before, and finally Dr. Mario comes back holding some X-rays, and he says that, between the jumping and the running and the smashing the bricks with my head, I’ve-a basically given myself arthritis. So I ask for a cortisone shot, and he’s-a, like, “It’s-a too soon since the last one.” And I’m-a, like, “Come on, it’s-a me, Mario.” So he sighs and gives me one, right in the spine, and it’s-a, like, literally the most painful experience of my life, but the sick thing is that I’m-a grateful. That’s-a how fucked up my back is. I’m-a crying from agony and thanking him at the same time, because I know this shot, it’s-a going to at least give me a few days of relief. And he says, “We need-a to schedule the surgery, Mario. The one we’ve been-a talking about. To fuse-a your spine. Recovery’s-a going to be brutal, but the alternative is you could-a end up in a wheelchair. You could lose-a your ability to walk.” And he gives me his card and writes down his cell-phone number on it, and I’m-a thinking, Mamma mia, it must be serious if he’s-a giving me his private line. And I walk out of his office, and I’m-a staring at his card, and I’m-a just, like, “I can’t face this.” So I stick it under the shell of a passing beetle and give him a kick, and he slides across the bricks, just skidding off into oblivion.
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So then I check-a my phone and there’s-a, like, twenty missed calls from the Princess. And I just sigh, like, “Here we go.” And I call her back and she’s-a, like, “Who’s calling?” And I’m-a, like, “It’s-a me, Mario. Who the hell else would it be?” And she’s-a, like, “I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t know if you were going to call me back or not, because lately it’s like you’re not even a part of my life.” And then she just starts-a going off on me for being out of touch all day, and when I tell her I was at the doctor she accuses me of lying to her, because at this point in our relationship there’s-a, like, zero trust. And I’m about to hang up, when she tells me she’s-a been kidnapped by a Koopa.
And I know I’m-a not supposed to say this, but lately I’ve started to think she’s been getting kidnapped by Koopas on purpose. The first few times it happened, I was-a, like, “O.K., that’s a weird coincidence.” But then it happened again, and again, and, like, literally thousands more times. And recently I said to her, “If you know that the Koopas are after the Princess, why do you walk around wearing a crown?” And she was, like, “Oh, so you’re saying I was asking for it ? Because of the way that I was dressed ?” And I was, like, “You know what? If you want to get-a me cancelled, go ahead!” Because, honestly, sometimes I fantasize about that shit, since it would give me an excuse to stop. I wouldn’t even do an apology, I’d-a just go off the grid, like Zelda after that N-word thing, because at this point I’m-a so goddam tired, I’d just be, like, “Great, I’m out! Wahoo! Yiiiiippeee!” You know? Like, fuck it.
So anyway, she texts-a me the address of this castle she’s trapped in, and it’s-a, like, seven worlds away, with dozens of levels in between, plus mini games. And my back, it’s-a already starting to tingle, which means the cortisone’s-a wearing off. I have at most, like, two days of mobility left before it’s like I’m-a basically going to be paralyzed. And so I tell her, you know, “I’m-a sorry, but I can’t save you this time. Even jacked up on stars and hauling ass, there’s-a no way I can make it.”
So she’s-a, like, “Guess I’ll call Devon.”
And Devon, he’s-a this d.j. who’s, like, twenty-two at most, and he’s-a got that whole Machine Gun Kelly look, like super tall and thin, with the face tattoos. And I don’t even think she’s-a actually into this guy, but it doesn’t matter. Because it’s-a like she has this power over me, like, when she wants to hurt me, she can hurt-a me. Still, after all these years.
So I say, “Hey, come on, baby. Relax. It’s-a me, Mario.” And her voice gets soft, and she asks if I’m-a coming to save her or not. And I say, “Of course. Just wait on your floating block over the fire. I’ll-a think of something.”
So that night I’m-a frantically searching through these message boards about back pain, and I see there’s this miracle device from Europe that’s, like, an electronic belt that takes-a all the pressure off your spine. And I make some calls, and there’s a guy downtown who’s got one of these things, but it’s-a going to cost ten thousand dollars. And I’ve-a got, like, five coins in my checking account.
And I know what you’re-a thinking: “How does Super Mario go broke? You collected entire rooms of coins! What happened?” And the answer is-a simple: I trusted a close personal friend to manage-a my money. And I can’t say too much about what happened, because the lawsuit is-a ongoing, but essentially, all those years I thought that I was riding Yoshi, it was the other way around. That dinosaur, he was-a fucking me from moment one. And I know I deserve-a some of the blame for not catching on, because by the end he had his own island, and safari, and there was even Yoshi’s World. I mean, this guy had his own private world, named after him. But still, when you’ve-a known someone forever, and he’s always just-a smiling and laughing and, like, making little cooing sounds, you never think, This guy’s-a fucking me.
So anyway, the Princess is-a waiting for me, and I can’t-a do shit until I get this spine belt, and that means there’s-a only one move I can make. I’ve-a got no choice but to take the bus out to the suburbs and go see my brother.
So, look, here’s-a the deal with Luigi. I’m-a glad he got sober, because, you know, he was-a going to die. And now he does four hours of yoga every day, and he and his husband, Kwame, they seem-a genuinely happy, and I’m-a happy for them. It’s-a great. Wahoo, yippee. At the same time, I’m-a not going to pretend like it’s a blast hanging out with them and all their dogs.
So I walk up to their fancy gate and ring the stupid intercom and say, “It’s-a me, Mario.” And Kwame’s, like, “Mario, what a pleasant surprise!” And this guy, he’s-a nice, but he’s-a more boring than World 1, Level 1, on Easy. He reads self-help business books for fun, and I’ve-a known him for three years and I still have no clue what he does. But I guess that he’s-a loaded, because Luigi is essentially a professional sunbather now, and their driveway, it’s-a, like, Tesla, Tesla, Tesla.
So they buzz me in and I tell-a them my whole fucked-up situation—how the Princess is-a trapped, and I need to buy this spine belt, but I’ve-a got no money—and they say they’re-a going to help me. And I’m-a super relieved. But, instead of writing me a check, Kwame says, “Mario, are you familiar with the concept of a career pivot?” And I’m-a, like, “What?” And he hands-a me this book called “What Color Is Your Parachute?” And then he’s-a, like, “Hey, you know what might be fun? If we made you a new résumé right now!” And Luigi gives me a big thumbs-up, like I’ve-a just won a fucking extra life.
So Kwame takes out his laptop, and he’s-a, like, “O.K., what would you say is your most marketable skill?” And I’ve-a got no choice but to play along, because I still have to hit them up for money. So I’m-a, like, “I don’t know, I guess fighting Koopas?” And Kwame’s, like, “We could focus on your combat skills. But I think it might widen the net if we highlighted your experience with plumbing.” And Luigi rattles off the dates of my last plumbing job, and Kwame types them in, and then he’s-a, like, “We need a strategy for how to explain the gap.” And I’m-a, like, “What gap?” And he’s-a, like, “You know, this multi-decade period where you were out of the workforce.” And I’m-a, like, “It’s not like I was just sitting on a cloud all day. I was-a travelling from world to world, going on quests.” And he’s-a, like, “Right, but a plumbing executive won’t necessarily interpret it that way.” And he writes up this cover letter that’s-a designed to turn “the negative into a positive”:
Dear prospective employer,
I am writing to apply for the position of journeyman plumber at your company or business. Plumbing is a lifelong passion of mine. After beginning my career in New York City, I took a multiyear hiatus to the Mushroom Kingdom in order to improve my knowledge of pipes. Now I am ready to jump back in the game and pick up where I left off. I am confident that I am the right person to help you achieve success.
Sincerely,
Mario Mario
And Luigi’s, like, “Wow, that’s-a perfect!” And I’m-a just reading it over and over again, like, Really? All my adventures, the entirety of my adult life, it all boils down to a “hiatus”? And it feels like I’ve walked into a spike and gone from big to small, and all the mushrooms in the world can’t make me big again.
And by this point the Princess, she’s-a texting me non-stop, like, “Where. The. Fuck. Are you.” So I turn to Luigi and say, “Listen, I really appreciate all this great life advice, but today the main thing is I need-a to borrow some money, so I can buy this spine belt and save the Princess from the Koopa.” And there’s-a this long silence, and eventually Kwame squeezes Luigi’s hand, and Luigi takes a deep breath, and I’m-a just rolling my eyes, like, “Here we go.” And Luigi takes off his hat and launches into this speech, which is obviously super rehearsed. And he’s-a, like, “Mario, we want to help you, but we don’t-a think we’ve-a been helping you in the right way. And that’s-a why, for your sake and ours, we have-a decided to put up some financial boundaries.” And that’s-a when I kind of lose my cool and start running around shooting fireballs. And Luigi’s, like, “Mario, don’t-a do this.” But I’m-a so angry now, it’s-a like I’m just in battle mode. And Luigi runs at me, and I shoot him a look, like, “Let’s-a go!” But even though I can usually take him, my back, it’s-a so messed up that he manages to jump on my head, which makes me motionless. And these giant block letters appear over our heads, saying, “LUIGI WIN!” And he’s, like, “I’m-a sorry, Mario.” And I’m-a, like, “Fuck you.”
And as I’m-a hobbling out of their dumb gate I pass-a this pile of Amazon packages. And I can tell it’s all nice stuff, like P-Wings and POW blocks, and I remember how Amazon, they’ve-a got this policy where if something goes missing they just reimburse you, no questions asked. And I’m-a thinking, you know, Is it really a crime if nobody gets hurt? So I grab a few packages, and as I’m-a walking to the bus stop I hear-a this voice in my head, like, “You-a just robbed your own brother.” But at this point it’s-a like I’m just on autopilot, almost like I’m-a being controlled by someone else. (And obviously I know that sounds-a crazy, but that’s-a how I’m feeling.)
So anyway, I pawn all this crap and call-a the guy who’s got the spine belt. And he’s-a, like, “It’s yours for 20K.” And I’m-a, like, “Hey, you said ten!” And he just laughs, because I guess he can hear the desperation in my voice. So I tell him the truth, which is that I’ve only got fifteen, and he says he’ll take it, but for some reason I have to throw in some garlic. And I’m-a, like, “Huh, that’s-a weird.” But, honestly, at this point, I’m-a not even thinking straight, because I’m in so much pain. And I know I’ve-a described how much my back hurts, like a few different times already, and I don’t want to get repetitive, but the cortisone shot has almost completely worn off, and there’s-a, like, starting to be this new pain that’s deep inside my balls. And it’s-a terrifying, because this pain, it’s-a something I’ve never experienced before. And it makes me feel-a truly panicked. Because it’s-a like, you know, what the fuck is this now?
So I PayPal-a this guy all the money, and send him some garlic on Postmates. And after it goes through I ask where I should meet him to pick up my belt. And he just laughs again, even louder than before. And finally I’m-a, like, “Wait a minute, who is this?” And he says, “It’s-a me, Wario,” and it turns out the whole thing was a scam. And it’s-a basically the emotional low point of my entire life. I’m-a just crying on the sidewalk, you know? Like, Game Over.
And just when things-a can’t get any worse I see something skidding toward me. And I realize it’s-a the beetle that I kicked outside of Dr. Mario’s the day before. It must’ve bounced off a pipe or a brick, and now, instead of sliding away from me, it’s-a sliding right at me. And this thing’s-a getting closer and closer, and I’m-a getting ready to jump over it, when all of a sudden time pauses. You know how that happens sometimes? Like, you’ll be jumping or flying, and then, out of nowhere, everything in the world will freeze? Not seeing a lot of nods. Well, anyway, time pauses for me in this moment, and all these thoughts start-a swirling through my head.
And the first is this memory of the last quest I went on with Luigi. It was after he got out of rehab, but before he and Kwame started dating, although I think they were-a maybe hooking up by then. So anyway, we were-a swimming underwater, dodging jellyfish, and I notice he’s-a kind of hanging back. So I’m-a, like, “Let’s-a go!” And Luigi says, “What’s-a the hurry?” And I’m-a, like, “What are you talking about? We’re-a being timed, and the faster we go the more points we get.” And he’s-a, like, “Yeah, but what are the points for?” And at the time I just laughed, like, you know, That’s-a just Luigi being silly.
But now, as I’m-a standing paused before this beetle, this thing he said comes rushing back to me. “What are the points for?” And I realize that he’s-a kind of right. Because the truth is, the points, they don’t-a really get you anything. You can’t-a trade them in for prizes. Best-case scenario, your tally ends up on a high-score list, next to a word like “PEE” or “DIC,” and even then it’s only a matter of time before the whole list randomly resets for no reason.
And then I started to think about my relationship with the Princess. Did I really want to be with her? Or was her love just another form of points? Another currency for me to amass to prove-a to myself that I had worth, and that, despite my immigrant background and high-pitched voice and learning differences, I was-a still deserving of love? I’d-a been with the Princess for decades, but it’s not like we’d-a ever actually connected. I barely even saw her, except for a few seconds after each rescue, and even then it’s-a not like we had deep conversations—we just stood next to each other, staring straight ahead, while some text scrolled anticlimactically over our heads, followed by Japanese names.
And as I’m-a having this realization the world unpauses and the beetle continues sliding toward me. And, instead of jumping over it, I decide to jump on top of it, which makes it motionless. And I reach under its orange turtle shell, pull out Dr. Mario’s card, and call-a his personal number and say, “It’s-a me, Mario, and I need help.”
And within thirty minutes I’m-a in his office signing consent forms for “anterial lumbar fusion.” And he’s-a, like, “You’re going to need someone to wash your body and help-a you use-a the bathroom, because for the first twelve weeks of recovery you’re-a going to have zero mobility. Do you have-a a partner who can help you?” And by now the Princess has straight-up blocked my number, and I guess she did end up calling Devon, because she’s-a posting all these pictures of him on social media, tagged, like, #realhero and #waybetterthanmario. So I’m-a, like, “Is there some kind of sponge on a stick that I can use to clean my ass?” And Dr. Mario, he’s-a walking me through the different stick options when Luigi jumps through the window. And then Kwame comes in a second later, through the door (because he took-a the elevator).
And it turns out someone from Dr. Mario’s office called them up, because they were-a listed as my emergency contacts. And they tell Dr. Mario that they’re-a going to help me recuperate, and they’ve already converted Luigi’s solarium into my recovery room. And I’m-a feeling super guilty because there’s no way they’d-a make this kind of offer if they knew that I’d-a stolen from them. And so I start to confess about the Amazon boxes, and Luigi says, “Mario, we know. We saw you pick them up and shout ‘Wahoo.’ That’s-a why we’re here. We didn’t-a realize how desperate things had gotten, and how much pain you’ve been in. And we’re-a sorry about the résumé thing before. We both realized even as we were-a doing it that it was a terrible idea, and from now on we’re-a going to try to be less prescriptive, and the main thing is we love you, and we’re-a with you for the long haul, no matter what it takes.” And Kwame’s, like, “We mean it. We want you to stay with us until you’re back on your feet.” And I’m-a looking up at these guys, and I don’t-a know what to say, because I’ve-a been playing the game for forty years, but this is the first time that it’s-a me who’s being rescued.
So now it’s-a the night before the surgery, and I’m-a fasting at Luigi and Kwame’s, and it’s-a gonna be a long time before I can jump or even walk. And the truth is, I’m-a never going to be “super Mario” again. When I come out the other side of this, I’m-a going to just be plain, regular Mario, a middle-aged guy with a slight limp.
But I’ve also been starting to think that maybe getting older’s not all bad. Like, for example, this is a little embarrassing to admit, but my whole life I’ve-a struggled with body stuff, like things about my weight and how I look-a naked. It’s-a why I wear the overalls even when it makes no sense for what I’m doing. But now that I’m-a in my forties I don’t really think about my body anymore, and when I do it’s-a to focus on the parts that I’m-a proud of, like my thick mustache and my big strong ass. And, honestly, I can’t tell you how liberating it is just to allow myself to feel-a sexy. Like, why can’t a short fat guy be sexy? I feel-a sexy, and I’m not afraid to say I feel-a sexy. Like, hey, it’s-a me, Mario, and I’ve got a big, strong, super-hairy ass and I’m-a sexy. Deal-a with it.
I’ve-a also noticed that the older I get, the less angry I am at my dad. I mean, it’s-a weird he named me Mario when his last name was-a Mario, so that my name’s-a Mario Mario. But he was a really serious alcoholic, like, red wine for breakfast, so it’s-a kind of a miracle he was able to say a name at all.
And I was-a doing the math with Luigi, and it turns out that the day I’m-a scheduled to be discharged from the hospital happens to be my forty-first birthday. And I joked to him, “I should throw a party.” But then once I’d-a said it I realized, “Wait a minute, that’s exactly what I should-a do.” And so we’re-a really going to do it, a party in my recovery room, and I’m-a inviting everyone I know, including Dr. Mario and even the Princess and Devon, because why not? I mean, I don’t expect them to come, but even if they did I think I’d-a be cool with it. When we got together, we were super young, and everything was at least as much my fault as hers. And I don’t think we’ll ever be the kind of exes who go out for lunch or whatever, but when all’s said and done I’m-a genuinely rooting for her happiness.
And I was-a going through the hospital checklist with Luigi, like do we have slippers and sweaters, and “Lilyhammer” downloaded on the iPad, and I started to feel a familiar sensation. And I realized that it was the way I used to feel between levels. Tomorrow at 5:30 A.M. (I know), Dr. Mario’s going to hit me with that gas mask, and it’ll be like going through a pipe from one world to another. And maybe I’ll have to learn some new moves once I get there, but so what? I’m-a ready for the challenge. Like, for example, I really want to do a podcast, and this morning I pitched the idea to Luigi and Kwame, and they said they would help me, and we even came up with a name for it (“The Next Level with Mario”). And Luigi’s going to read-a the commercials, and Kwame’s-a going to be my first guest, because it turns out his job is actually pretty interesting, it’s-a this thing involving currency prices, I think, or something about bonds. Anyway, we’re-a going to be talking about it for two hours. And maybe we’ll-a get a lot of listeners, but even if we don’t it’ll still be a learning experience.
These past forty years, I’ve-a had all kinds of ups and downs. I’ve-a won and lost, flown and fallen, jumped and been jumped on. I’m-a covered in scars and soon I’ll have some more. But I’m-a not scared. I’m-a ready. Someday, I’ll-a run out of continues, but in the meantime I’ve-a got plenty of lives left.
Here we go . . . ♦
